Shut up about your religion already, America.

I’m here to repress your religion.  When people inevitably ask you what you’re talking about, claiming that your Christian beliefs are being repressed, then you can refer them to me.  Yes, I’m starting a vast left wing conspiracy to deprive you of your magic juice, crazy beads and whatever the fuck it is you’re writing over your doorway.  I’m going to taunt you into atheism.  It’s for your own good.

Why?  You’re embarrassing all the sane people in America.  Especially, I might add, those of us who live abroad and are denied our rightful indignation about the stupid shit other religions are doing.  Just when we get rolling, some smart ass brings up that you assholes are still praying for an end to condoms.  Just stop it!

My god (it’s a saying, fuck!  Get over it.), I don’t care what the bible told you.  I don’t care what Jesus brought to your life.  Shut IT!  You’re going to sit down, take responsibility for your own shit, and stop meddling in other people’s shit.  If I hear one more complaint about how other people are fucking, I swear to GOD (yes, I said it again. See, no lightning.), I’m going to scream.

Look, I know you.  I work beside you.  We talk about sports.  We talk about the weather.  You’re capable of non-batshit crazy activities.  Somehow church gets you all riled up and you start emailing bullshit you’d never say in the office.  It’s not about your freedom.  It’s not about your soul.  It’s about dealing with uncomfortable feelings and guilt.  It’s about your inner insecurities about sex and responsibility.  You don’t want to die.  Deal with it.  Stop being an ass.

You know that guy who you go listen to on Sunday?  He doesn’t have a real job.  He makes all his money convincing you that you need to make up for shit that imaginary people did.  It is worse than the goddamn Nigerian prince scam.  Stop listening to his bullshit.  JUST STOP!  I know he’s nice to your kids and has some cool fortune cookie sayings.  Fuck that.  He’s been scamming you.  He’s been scamming all of us.  He’s scamming himself.

There.  Feel better? I sure do.  Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.