I drove all night..

I’m not afraid of flying.  Honestly, I just find it annoying.  I like to control my own destiny, and drive myself there, when possible.  I don’t fool myself, though.  Driving is definitely more dangerous.  Driving overnight is perhaps the most dangerous, as many people cannot handle the mixture of prolonged inactivity, irregular sleep, temptation to unbuckle or wedge belts for a comfier sleep and the multiple temptations to multi-task on long road journeys.  A forbes article I read recently attributed half of all traffic fatalities to night time driving, despite the fact that most people spend more time on the road during the day.

CLAIMER: I’m not going to insult you with the usual disclaimer that you shouldn’t do what I do, though.  Feel free to replicate my actions exactly, and if they get you into trouble, then definitely blame me.

The Packing List-

GPS-  Essential.  Don’t use a map, don’t trust the road signs.  Get yourself a good reliable voice gps, preferably with the voice of an annoyed aristocratic older british woman, or Madonna, if you can’t find the original.  I used to think I’d prefer to have my GPS voice be someone like Angelina Jolie, until I realized that my gps is going to try to kill me.  You have to stay alert and make sure the ‘turn right now’ doesn’t lead off a cliff or into the parking lot of a sports team that just lost the ‘Who Gives a Fuck’ Cup.  This should be a dedicated device, not your phone or your stereo.  Quick note to the GPS people.  I know that the 4th exit from the roundabout is a U-turn, ok smartasses?  You’re not fooling anyone.

Phone-  You need a good stable phone that accepts gsm chips from any company.  This means it’s unlocked.  This also means it’s not 4G, LTE or any of those other imaginary things that you are all just lying about anyway.  Again, you’re not fooling me.  I don’t believe in Unicorns, either.  This way, as you cross borders, you can acquire new prepay chips to avoid international calling rathe.  This item can multi-task, hopefully you won’t be taking many calls.  Until very recently, I stuck with the gold standard of an iphone.  Just switched to a Dell Streak, though, for a bigger screen while maintaining phone capability.  Yes, I look like a toddler holding a a mini-tablet to my face to talk, but have you read my blog?  Hello, I have no pride and I”ll always be childish.

Entertainment-  This is a new discovery.  I no longer listen to news or music.  10 hours of either, and you’l be hearing the same stuff, over and over and over and over and over again.  Now, I pick a good audiobook.  Ideal for solo trips or when your family will be sleeping. zoning with their own entertainment.  Seriously, this was heaven.  BEST DRIVE ENTERTAINMENT EVER.

Kids- The best bet is sleep, so pick entertainment that soothes.  Nickelodeon and Disney DO NOT SOOTHE.  Just don’t bring them.  PBS soothes.  PBS is the shit.  I love you, PBS people.  You rock.  This might not work with older kids.  I advise if you have older children you force them to listen to your audiobook and/or drive.  No reason 8 year olds need to be just dead weight on road trips.  I’m kidding, of course 8 year olds are just dead weight on road trips.

Car Maintenance- You should do no car maintenance.

Yeah, that last bit might be a sign my attention is waining and it’s time to wrap up the article.



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