Jon Rubinstein will not to read this.

With the stunning success deafening cricket cacophony of my last tech post, naturally I’m returning to the form to explore the fascinating world behind the technologies most of you take for granted, and none of you apparently want to read about.  Today’s post explores the fascinating world of amateur tech business advice, particularly advice from me, Patrixmyth.

With every major change in the industry, tech journals rush to offer business advice to the billionaires who make the decisions, and millions of geeks chime in with their own take on the subject.

Today, the news wires are abuzz with the resignation of Jon Rubinstein from HP, right on schedule, after completing his contractual obligation to remain with HP for 2 years after their acquisition of Palm.  There is no shortage of advice being offered.

Generally, the advice can be separated into a few distinct camps.

1) Apple aficionados: Let’s have a big drum circle tonight and put the old team back together, for Jobsy!

2) WebOS diehards: Take over RIM, Motorola, VTech, whatever, and drive open source WebOS forward to crush WebOS’s enemies beneath your feet and hear the lamentation of the women (uh, Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina, presumably)

3) Trolls: Jon Rubinstein is a pussy.  He’ll never succeed at anything, and should walk out in the woods with a shotgun.  A few charitably suggest he enjoy his retirement, presumably by going home to fuck himself.

4) Unemployed people: Just take a job, damn it.  Anything will do, Jon.  Apple, Google, RIM, Amazon, Facebook.  Whatever!  You have no idea how bad it is.  soooo c-c-c-cooooold.

Naturally, my take on the topic is nuanced, thoughtful, inciteful and not very fucking likely.  My advice also rolls up elements from all of these camps.  My unsolicited and sure to be ignored advice to this multimillionaire who didn’t ask, is to round up some of the old talent, buy out a small niche player in the consumer electronics business, Franklin would be a nice ironic selection for instance, team up with one of the powerhouses without a strong internal product design team (say Facebook or Amazon) for distribution and roll into development immediately on a market segment that is not dominated by any of the largest fucking corporations on earth.  This of course, would preclude their involvement in tablets and oil exploration.  Personally, I’d go with devices targeted to kids, maybe wearable computers, or hula hoops.

Don’t ‘take time to rest’, ‘bond with family’ or any of that horseshit that really means lick your wounds.  Get back into the mix immediately.  Do take some time, however, to go fuck yourself.  That’s about as much ‘me’ time as I’d advise, though.

Anyway, good luck, Jon, and best regards to all the other fellow tech prognosticators looking to break in on the lucrative unsolicited shitty advice market.


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